Alicia

Parent School Part II: 3 Lessons in Building Kids' Self-Esteem

Polly Elly’s Parent School session on The Perils of Too Much Control & The Incredible Magic of Autonomy did not disappoint. Some kids are indeed born more naturally driven than others, but there is a lot in what we do as parents that also shapes their ability to grow their self-determination and autonomy. Polly uncovered a simple three-step approach to increasing this spark and lifelong trait in your children. Whether they are entirely unmotivated to somewhat driven in nature — there are skills and lessons you might want to adopt after reading.

1) Let Go of Things That You Don’t Need to Control for Your Kids

Polly cautions that fear can get in the way of letting go of control. It’s up to us as parents to be confident in where we will step in and stay in our lane to alleviate their fears in some of these areas.

A few things Polly says should be off limits to parents are:

1. Clothes: practicing a “your fashion, your business” approach can encourage kids' self-expression. If you know they are forgetting something essential, don’t force them to change, but instead, say — ”I’ll bring this along in case you get cold later.” 
2. Food: having some ground rules around how much dessert they consume daily is A-OK, but micromanaging what they eat and when could be laying the tracks for eating disorders later. This can be one of the most complex issues to treat people on as well, Polly warns.
3. TV: again, healthy ground rules are okay, such as no TV during the week (Monday through Thursday) or limiting television settings is a good thing —  but there should be fewer cops and robbers when it comes to parenting.

“Kids who get dragged around become a drag to you,” says Polly.

Give them the space and freedom to decide and be independent. If you are about to run errands or drag them to a function and know some areas of the day might be hard, talk about it with them first. Children should be given the time to adjust what they need. When it comes to our agendas, give them as much freedom as possible to learn to express themselves. Focus on the lessons you’re teaching them instead of areas we sometimes overstep in wanting to control for them.

2) Wait and Take Time to Relate to Them

Relatedness can get in the way of productivity (it’s true!), but this step is essential and matters much more to kids. Polly says, “When I’m plowing through my to-do list, relatedness goes way down, but my productivity goes way up.” It’s essential to save space to take a “wait and relate” approach with kids. One example might be to see what your kid wants to do before signing them up for a playdate. 

When teaching them manners, realize that one method at a time is what’s healthy and reasonable. Anything more than that can be too overwhelming. A great way to coach your kids through it and relate as they learn is to ask them what signal to give if they break that manner at the dinner table. For example, if working on sitting — your kid might say, “I want you to touch your nose when I don’t do this and as my signal to sit back down.” The next time they do it, they can follow your queue, which teaches them relatedness all along the way. 

Worry love doesn’t help anyone, and you can’t teach too much at once. Focus on your priorities, and if they aren’t partaking in a life-threatening action, replace the perpetual phrase “Be Careful” with “You Got This!”

3) Acknowledge How Competent They Are

Competence is another big one for kids; perfectionism can stall growth here. Help them learn that mistakes are ok. One avenue is through food. After all, “their bodies are built as a self-cleaning oven,” says Polly, and teaching them to listen to their body’s queues is one step that can go a long way in their way of feeling competent. Acknowledge when they are getting in their “grow foods,” and when it comes to dessert, consider creating a rule of letting them decide at which meal they have it and ensuring it’s the size of their palm can be key, teaches Polly.

Some words of encouragement around food might be: 

• You’re the expert on what your body likes and doesn’t like
• Get a healthy snack food (i.e., take off your service hat for a bit)
• Your body knows what it needs and if it’s had enough food

Polly says what’s available to them in the house makes a big difference. This enables them to follow their body’s signals and build more confidence. Including them in packing their lunch is also a big one.

Sleeping is also when anxious seeds get planted and get in the way of a kid’s competence. Whether it’s a settled comment around the following day or being too short and frustrated with your kid — it can lead to anxious sleepers. Have boundaries like “I’ll come in two times to check on you and get what you need, and after that, my mom hat is going off.” Give yourself time, too. Teach them that their body knows when to let go and that everyone is safe in their home.

Keeping on the same page with your spouse or partner on teaching strong self-determination can make all the difference. If one parent is frustrated, give them the space to disconnect while you step in and continue practicing these skills. Self-determination skills are “one evidence-based predictor of post-school employment, education, and independent living success.” 

If you need a refresher on all things parenting, learn more about The Lab Method and Polly’s tips on parenting here.

by Alicia

Parent School Part I: 9 Ways to Maintain the Hierarchy When Raising Kids

I recently went through an experience of enlisting someone younger to help with our kids and learned a lot. There was a nearly two-decade age gap, and I could feel our vast differences. It got me thinking about future generations and how we teach and prepare our kids for work and the following stages of life. Could it be possible to do more for them, and are we potentially giving them too much power in how we parent today? If so, how can we flip that and raise more responsible, able children? 

I attended Polly Ely’s Parent School in Marin, a 7-part parent education seminar series. The takeaways were simple — yet mind-blowing for me. Here are the nine ways to maintain the hierarchy I noted and applied in my house.

1) Wait and state when language is hurtful

As parents, we react quickly instead of waiting and stating how our child’s behavior makes us feel. We over-index on empathy and potentially forget about ourselves in the equation. When, in fact, a lot of times, what your kid is saying and doing is pretty hurtful. Instead, why not tell them how you feel when they act this way? 

According to Polly, authentic learning for kids can happen in the repair of these situations daily. “When you don’t reset the hierarchy in those moments, that’s when they’ll learn to come out with bigger guns the next time,” says Polly. Stating that their behavior impacts their feelings builds on their self-awareness. They’ll need to exercise a lot as they enter the real world.

2) Teach them to ask for what they need

Often, kids are only making a statement, and as reactive parents — we fall into an easy trap of becoming their employee and bending to whatever service they might be hinting we do for them but not asking for from us. For example, your kid says: “I’m thirsty!” How many times have you run to grab them a drink? This sets you up in the service chart to continue suit instead of teaching your kid to

ask for what they need. Polly says, "I’m sorry. Is there something you want to ask me?” Instead, Your child asks you (*hint: the boss) for their needs.

3) Be ok with your kids being disappointed

Permissive parents can lead to anxious kiddos. Kids thrive in knowing where the line is and effectively seeing your voice and feelings. If they feel bad when you are angry, be okay with that. You can explain to them, “A part of me is angry actually,” according to Polly. This will set them up to cope and correct their path in the real world later.

4) Show them they are accountable for being on time

Polly says to be okay with being late and doubling down on the lessons you are trying to teach your kids. If your kiddo isn’t speaking to you kindly, tell them — “it’s ok, I can wait. I value respectful language, so I can hold onto your breakfast until you are ready to return to the table calmly.” 

Being late doesn’t usually make kiddos feel great, and their accountability is a more valuable lesson. Even if you value being on time, ask yourself if you love thoughtful communication more, and are you willing to make that sacrifice to double down from time to time and let your child feel the consequences? Set a precedent in your house not to engage if they speak to you in a way that you don’t like. We can all be in a mood but still find it in us to be polite. This is another great life skill! Turn off your service light while your kiddo works to get into the flow.

5) Keep 1-3 things entirely off-limits for them

Polly says your kids can learn that some things in the house are yours and off limits. This might be your purse, makeup, or other off-limits items for your kids. Teach them that some things are just not for them. This sets them up to both see and respect boundaries — and you to maintain items that might be valuable just for you. 

6) Teach them that closed doors are a quiet space signal

If you value personal space and etiquette while out — this is a great one to teach and have them learn early. Teach your kids that a closed door means personal space and to know if they need something — they can knock and ask you. This will go a long way when out, having them not accidentally walk in on someone as well and feeling good that no one will walk in on them. 

7) Teach them how to stop interrupting your conversations

Polly has an excellent remedy for the perpetual “Mom, mom, mom” or “Dad, dad, dad” butting into the middle of your conversation. Ask them to place a hand on your leg or arm. You, in turn, will put your hand on your kiddos so they know you are aware that they need you, and you will get to them when you finish speaking. I just tested with my 6-year-old, and she loves this! No more interrupted conversations in the schoolyard (score).

8) It’s okay if they don’t want to do something, but teach them they need to anyways

This could be setting the table, feeding a pet, or anything you ask your kid to do. This is another moment to be ok with being late and doubling down. “That’s ok. We can wait until you are ready, but you need to do it,” says Polly. Kids, again, need to know they are accountable for what you ask them to do and who is at the top of the hierarchy. Don’t let them win on this test when they want to dig in and not do something. You can wait, and it’s all good.

9) If they want another parent, don’t facilitate!

How many times does your kiddo say: I want mommy! Or I want Daddy! Polly says not to accommodate these requests. Though it might be easier to grab the other parent, this sets you up to do this time and time again, and guess who just showed you who’s boss? This is a big one. Don’t let them make the call on which parent helps them when, where, and at what time. That’s your call as mom and dad.

I learned so much from this seminar and hope these quick tips help every mama out there maintain the power in her house. To learn more about Polly’s Parent School, listen to the episodes on her podcast, or refer to episode 101, Transforming Chaos to Calm on MomShine!

by Alicia

7 Steps to Planning a Successful School Fundraiser

The first year of stepping up to host my kids fundraiser was a grind. I was so happy I made notes and had a template going into year two that I decided to document it here for anyone’s future use. What I’ve learned from a decade plus career in marketing is that once you break everything down on a timeline, all the details that go into hosting a large event get so much easier. It’s almost silly to only run one once for that reason! There are so many logistics to document and learnings that might go to waste.

So here are my steps if you are going in blind to your first school and/or fundraising event. 

Step 1 — Pick a theme

This might be my favorite part — picking a theme for the event. Are there themes from previous years that you can lean on for reference or do you want to pick a new one? The first year running our school event, we went with an easy animal safari theme. It even led us to a fun new event called the Safari Sprint, which we plan to keep for all years to come as it’s a way to acknowledge multiple running winners. 

This year we thought a circus theme would be great. Honestly, a theme for kids, especially at our school when they span from age 5 all the way up to 15 can be a tough one. Once we anchor it around something we like and all of our 8 kids combined across us 3 moms can get behind it —  we know we have a winner and the rest of the event planning flows easily from there.

Step 2 — Onboard the right platform to manage donations

At our school, we’ve used FundHub for years and our rep could not be more helpful. It’s reasonable and what I like is if you sign early, you get free swag along the way leading up to your event, like posters and medals to hand out at the end. It’s also easy for parents to register kids, add a fun photo, and share the link across social media if they want to do so.

For us, the ‘Fun Run’ is our one event where people outside the school can contribute for all the athletic equipment the school needs throughout the year, so having a simple platform for many people outside the school to get involved with is a no brainer. 

Step 3 — Get designs and calendar out the key dates

This event for us is mid-May every year, but we kick off picking a theme and calendaring out all the fun events leading up to it in January and February over quick coffee sessions. For me, March is always crazy with birthdays (3 out of 5 in my house) and then Spring Break hits in early April, so it's game on by the time we get back and leading up to the event. By February, we have everything mapped out and most of the vendors planned out to book. It’s important to have ‘Save the Dates’ and posters go up around school as well after our auction concludes in February, so parents know what’s coming next.

Our school also needs to approve all the dates that these vendors will be on campus for the fun donation incentives we plan out, so we try to iron this all out in one email to school leaders, including some design mockups around the theme as well.

Some of the key dates I include for the assistant principal and principal to school sign off are:

• Date the newsletter will go out to all parents
• The kickoff for parents at morning assembly, usually right after the newsletter goes out and in case there are any questions
• Free dress for the classes who register first
• Incentive #1 to the top classes with donations at that time
• Parent event where they come and show their athletic ability in a 3-point contest 
• Incentive #2 with the final performance to top classes with donations at that time
• The date of the event

Email template:

We did a magic show and circus performance to tie everything back to the theme for our incentives this year, sent updates weekly on how we were tracking to goals, and included chart updates in our school bulletin. Then we ironed out the top class prizes after the event and pulled in room moms to help.

Step 4 — Outline an easy-to-execute incentive plan

So how do you map out incentives? Again, tracking is everything. I always look at the targets from the previous year. What did we ask each kid to raise? What was the total and who didn’t participate. 

In review, I saw that we had 84% participation across the school. We thought about having kids sit out for lack of donating and just didn’t feel right about that. Truthfully, some of us were willing to sponsor those kids and everyone is in a different economic position and it always evens out. 

In my analysis this year, about 10% per grade couldn’t participate for whatever reason, but we still achieved 103% of our overall goal. As long as everyone made the effort in registering (98% did!) — we were happy. We also give each kid a shirt for the event for doing so.

In addition, we tweaked the incentives as we went. Instead of doing the first classes to register, we changed it to any class that hits 100% registration before the next performance gets to come. We also did free HW passes to any that came in after that and as an extra bonus. 

Make it fun and easy and then think of how to reward them after the event, too. For our kids, it’s about recognition for their (and their parents’) hard work. Honor the kids that showed up and gave their all running laps at the event if it’s a Fun Run like ours, or give them gift cards to sports stores or money rings in front of their peers for raising the most money and going above and beyond in each class. The other thing we like to do is have class parties for the grades that over achieved on their goals each year. What kid doesn’t like a drumstick and/or In-N-Out party?

Step 5 — Have visual reminders 

Each bulletin I tried to include charts for where each class was to their goals. We also made posters to color each week in the main hallways and in each class, so teachers could keep on top of it. At each entry point to the school, we had signage about the date leading up. Kids are competitive with one another. It’s important to give both them and parents visual cues so they know what they are working toward along the way.

Step 6 — Plan out the day-of events

We have stations around the event so it’s not just about running. Not every kid wants to run a million laps and our 8th grade students work the event with us, which is so instrumental to our success. This year we had a snow cone truck come and that was a big hit! 

Day-of primary event:

• Rules and sprint race at the start (we stagger classes oldest to youngest, so not too much waiting)

Side events along the race:

• Limbo 
• Cornhole
• Face painting and tattoos
• Ring toss
• Balloon making and more! 

Don’t forget the finishing touches:

• Balloon arch at the finish line
• Podium to announce sprint winners
• DJ to blast music the whole time

Last, but not least, food and water:

• Keeping the kids fed and hydrated is key!
• Supply benches for the kids to store water bottles
• Parent sign-ups for fresh fruit and muffins

The longest lines this year were for snow cones, face painting/tattoos, and balloon making, so I think we’ll have to find a way to incorporate those going forward.

Step 7 — Recap and make notes for next year

This year was interesting, as it always is each year. Though we had lap counters, there were always kids trying to work the system and get the most laps, so we used special colored sharpies to prevent them from cheating.

The other zinger was an elderly woman who got startled on the path by the kids and fell this year. We’ll be sure in future years to notify anyone on the course that runners are coming. Though it’s pretty obvious, this was a big bummer as a paramedic rolled into our lap course to help her. If you’ve worked in events as long as me though — you know these things happen.

It’s also important when signing up to chair any event that you need to roll with the punches and always make notes for the next year!

by Alicia