Alicia

5 Ways to Co-Develop Good Family Habits from Expert Jenna Hermans

Healthy habits are usually broken down into two buckets: mental and physical. Mental habits include screen time and how you interact with devices for well-being—for example, putting phones away during dinnertime or before bed so as not to disrupt sleep, which can also increase your presence with your kids and have other benefits. Physical health includes eating habits, physical movement, and drinking more water. 

Developing good family habits allows parents to prioritize self-care to be a better version of themselves and show up for the people they love. 

But making habits stick can be tricky. I turned to expert and  Chaos to Calm author Jenna Hermans for help. Her book just won a Pubwest 2023 Design Award in the category of Health and Wellness and is also up for an award on Audible. I loved listening to it on a recent road trip with my kids! 

Jenna also runs a fantastic organization with her husband called Be Courageous, which provides transformation and leadership consulting to companies worldwide. Some of the incredible habits she preaches in their program and her book are health and meal planning efficiencies, getting more physical activity and building that within your day, and finding more time to meditate.

I had her in the studio for a special episode of the MomShine podcast on remastering family habits for the new year. Here are her answers to my top questions on integrating healthier habits to be the best version of yourself!

How to develop a healthy family lifestyle and some examples to lean on

1) Make family habits pleasurable

Jenna: Some habits are more challenging to form than others. It would be straightforward to get into the habit of eating chocolate cake for breakfast every morning. That would take only a day or two; I call that a habit. I wouldn't have to force myself to do that. It would become instinctual. 

But starting a new workout routine, putting my phone away before bed, and reading during the day, whether first thing in the morning or at night, are habits that take longer to form because they're more challenging. They're less instantly pleasurable. So, the more enjoyable the habit you're trying to create, the less time it takes to become a habit.

2) Use habit stacking to help family routines stay in place

Jenna: When wanting to create a new habit, you can use the foundations of a habit you already have in place. This process is called habit stacking. With habit stacking, you combine multiple habits back to back, stimulating each other. When you’re already in your cycle of that routine, it is easier to flow into the next habit. Like the idea that every time you have your coffee, you put collagen in it. When you have your French press or drip coffee, you also make sure to put your collagen peptides next to your coffee device. You are stacking those two things together or even adding another thing. What can you add to a routine where you're already in flow?

One habit stacking I started around two years ago was going to the grocery store after my daily workout at the gym. I made my grocery list the night before; then, after I was done at the gym, I’d go immediately to the grocery store and get what I needed. It sounds so simple, but it wasn’t a part of my usual routine, and I wasn’t in the habit of going to the grocery store regularly. 

3) Breakdown big tasks into manageable chunks

Jenna: With laundry, I have found that depending on what we have going on that week, sometimes I'll stack all the laundry into one day. But typically, I'll parse it out throughout the week. I put a load in at night and do a delayed start setting so that it begins in the morning while we're all asleep. Then, before I leave the house in the morning to take the kids to school, I move that load into the dryer. So when I get home, there's a dry load ready to be folded and put away. 

4) Be a role model for your kids 

Jenna: There are a couple of things that I recommend when developing healthy family lifestyle habits. One is to be a role model. By doing the task or activity in a healthy or efficient way, you're setting an example for your children to relate to their tasks and lifestyle habits. Whatever they see you doing is what they are going to think is the norm of how they should be doing it when they're older, whether that's conscious or not. 

Generally, it's unconscious, but our behaviors sink in and take root in our kids as they absorb it all. We must make the lifestyle choices we want our children to emulate as they get older. We have to walk or talk.

5) Let kids co-create habits and take the lead

Jenna: I've noticed that whenever the activity or task is child-led, they are much more involved and have ownership over whatever it is. When it came to chores with four children and two adults in the household, we noticed that there were always dirty dishes, rooms to tidy, garbage to take out, and more. As every parent knows, the cooking and cleaning is nonstop. So we sat down with the kids and said, ‘we are spending too much time on these things every day. We all have jobs: we work, and you go to school. But let’s work as a team to help each other more.’ 

It led our family to create a chore wheel that alternates every week. The kids decided on the chore cadence, the list of chores, and the grouping of chores per person per week. They also decided that every Sunday, we would turn the wheel so that no one was stuck doing the “worst” chores. One of my kids was super excited to make the chore wheel, and another decided they would be the ones to turn it in every Sunday. 

If a kid was on trash duty that week, they were also responsible for feeding the cat. They could do the chore when it worked for them, or we would say, ‘Hey, trash is full. We need you to take it out.’ Or, ‘it's trash day on Wednesday. Make sure you take it out Tuesday night.’ That same week, someone else would be responsible for cleaning the dishes, loading and unloading the dishwasher, and so on. 

Final Thoughts on Creating Healthier Family Habits 

I’ve tried all sorts of things to encourage my kids to do their part and help build their autonomy and responsibility in our house, especially when a once-in-a-lifetime trip came up recently, which involved taking a week away. Consulting other moms on how they feel calmer and more structured in the home has helped me do the same. 

The critical thing to remember is always to keep it fun and give them some control. Include them in conversations on how to divide and conquer. When things have stacked up at my home, or we plan on having people over, I create a chore bingo chart to see who can complete chore bingo for a special prize. When we shop, I encourage them to earn their own money through their family responsibilities and enjoy spending it now and again.

I also loved our episode featuring Jenna Hermans. Her advice on this comes around minute 15 when she discusses developing the best habits for the New Year. She’s a certified high-performance coach, entrepreneur, author of Chaos to Calm, wife, mama of 4, and co-founder of Be Courageous. You can learn more about her at jennahermans.com.

by Alicia

Everything You Need to Know About How Food Can Impact Kids’ Mood

Kids are driven by a keen sense of curiosity and wonderment, which power their continuous stream of relentless activity. It's no wonder that sometimes we can hardly muster the energy to keep up with it all. But did you know that if your kid is predominantly restless, anxious, or inattentive, these could be signs of something more serious?

The analysis of the Census Bureau’s Household Pulse Survey finds that half (50%) of adults ages 18-24 reported anxiety and depression symptoms in 2023, compared to about a third of adults overall. This study showed that young people are more likely than adults to be experiencing anxiety or depression symptoms. So what is going on? Why have behavioral problems skyrocketed in the last few years?

It could be a pandemic and the lack of social interaction that these kids needed, or is it all the devices that are constantly on their faces? As a sidebar, we discussed social media's impact on kids' psyche in this podcast episode — if you want further advice. However, according to a 2022 study published by Neuroscience News, food allergies may be linked to behavioral disorders. The research says that food allergens can affect your brain by causing inflammation involving the nervous system and manifest as behavioral disorders — even if you don't show the typical food allergy symptoms. 

I interviewed Dr. Kumi Nakamoto Combs, Ph.D. and Assistant Professor of Biomedical Sciences at the University of North Dakota School of Medicine and Health Sciences, about this incredible information to see what parents can look for regarding foods causing silent inflammation. I noted seven things to look out for.

1) Physical symptoms that suggest the body is fighting an allergy

Well-known conditions caused by allergies are asthma, hay fever, stuffy nose, eczema or atopic dermatitis, and various intestinal issues. These allergies happen when your immune system works a little too hard to fight against something that's not supposed to be harmful. 

When invaders like bacteria and viruses come into your body, your immune cells respond to them, and they try to get rid of them from your body. So you may have a fever or vomit or have diarrhea, but these are your body's efforts to kill or remove these invaders and are part of the natural defense against inflammation. 

Unfortunately, some individuals have these inflammatory responses to things that they inhale, touch, or eat, and that's a more blatant sign of an allergy. However, these inflammations can sometimes be more challenging to detect when inflammation repeats or lasts for a long time and could cause many more problems.

2) The trends based on age and gender for allergy reactions

Kumi has done studies showing that some prolonged inflammation can affect brain mood and behavior due to hypersensitivities. The survey studies have found when specific allergies appear in mood changes and how long they last. Allergies to milk, eggs, and peanuts are often reported in children. Many children outgrow milk and egg allergies, but unfortunately, peanut allergy lasts much longer. Also, some people, especially females, develop new allergies, particularly seafood, when they age. Food allergies are more common in boys than girls at younger ages and more women than men in adult populations.

3) Foods that are classified to cause significant food allergies

The US Food and Drug Administration, or FDA, recognizes nine foods as significant food allergens we should watch for. Milk, eggs, fish, crustaceans, shellfish, tree nuts, peanuts, wheat, soybeans, and sesame. So, commercial food products that use these items must be labeled on their packages.

4) Try eliminating certain foods to see if your mood improves

Kumi noticed something interesting when she was reading a few clinical reports. Doctors described that their patients' moods and behaviors improved when they removed certain foods from their diets. Within these particular patients, they didn’t experience the signs one would look for when eating foods in suspicion. Still, to Kumi, this was a group to look into further since reactions wouldn’t happen immediately. 

So, she developed a mouse model of milk allergy without severe symptoms. This model was a group of individuals who did not react severely. So, just mild symptoms and even no symptoms at all. She chose a milk allergy because it's common in children, but many become tolerant as they age. Some studies have also shown an association between milk allergy and behavioral changes. Interestingly, allergic mice eating food containing milk allergens did not exhibit any visible reactions but had increased immune cell activities, showing inflammatory mediators such as histamine, and other molecules called cytokines in their blood. They also have increased antibodies against milk, proteins that can attack the milk proteins that get into your system, and they have signs of inflammation and damage in the brain.

5) Understand what settle inflammations can cause in the body

Cytokines are biological molecules or proteins released by immune cells and immune cells when they come into contact with a specific environment, such as an encounter with invaders or foreign invaders like pathogens, bacteria, parasites, and viruses. They can become activated, and it starts to release proteins. These proteins act as signaling molecules and can float around in a nearby environment or travel through the body in blood circulation. It can be a contributor to neurodegenerative diseases such as multiple sclerosis and Alzheimer’s disease especially.

Chronic inflammation is thought to be the common denominator in these neurodegenerative diseases due to decreased myelin in the brain. Myelin is the coating of neuronal fibers that can maximize their signaling ability, and it's reduced in neurological diseases and was seen to decrease in mice experiencing silent reactions impacting the brain. The best example of such a disease is multiple sclerosis. Still, at this point, they don't know the exact connection between what was seen in the allergic mice regarding their milk allergy and multiple sclerosis in human patients.

6) Consider a food journal if you notice signs of behavioral issues in you or your kid

These findings are correlations, and it's hard to say that food can cause behavioral manifestations. Still, for parents who see their children struggling with their emotions or acting up after eating certain foods, these findings could be an excellent reason to avoid certain foods to see if their mood and behavior improve. The only way to do that is through a food journal and to see if specific issues you notice slowly disappear.

The findings Kumi found was that when the mildly allergic mice were given foods with mild reactions, they instead experienced anxiety and depression-like behavior. There was also a decline in cognitive function, like short-term memory loss. If your child or even you experience unexplained anxiousness, depressive mood, or so-called brain fog — you may want to review what you've been eating. It could be as simple as making an alternate food choice.

7) Trust your observations

Like our kids and activities episodes, parents are responsible for being general contractors and at the helm of their kids' health. Part of this is trusting your observations. You've watched your kid longer than anyone and know what your child's normal looks like. You can ask your child's doctor about any suspicion you notice. Still, unfortunately, not everyone will be receptive to the idea since the research on these inflammations in the body is still very early. Trust your observation instinct as a parent. It’s a constant juggle of benefits to your child versus risk. If you choose to eliminate some foods, ensure they are receiving those particular nutrients in another safe way. But with the uptick in anxiety and depression in kids, it could be another angle worth exploring before jumping to other means.

Final Learnings on What to Watch Out for Regarding Kids’ Mood and Food

Testing for a week and consulting a doctor on your learnings to any hypersensitivities is a great place to start. Keep a food diary and be aware of any changes to overall health. It’s also great to get a dietician involved. I’m constantly looking for ways to change it up, not lean too heavily on processed foods, and ensure our family gets healthy foods to maintain energy and activity levels.

Check out the full episode 102 on Food Is Mood, or share your learnings with Kumi at the University of North Dakota School of Medicine and Health Sciences. She’s received so many supportive emails from people who suspected or even identified a food that could be a culprit in their child’s mood. So, if you pay closer attention to what your child eats, you may also be able to find the solution you are looking for. And, of course, not all mood and behavior problems are caused by the diet, but at least it's worth keeping in mind.

by Alicia

Breaking Down My Favorite Family Mantra and When to Use It

In a new University of Michigan survey of 2,044 parents who have kids under 18, 47% want to be more consistent with discipline and put solid boundaries and limits in place — giving children a roadmap for their behavior and our expectations. But what is the right approach in developing firm boundaries that will stick? How do we know we're saying the right things? I found an expert with a mantra to help in Polly Ely, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Parent School. 

Let’s break down her simple mantra that can transform chaos to calm and end sibling rivalry in your house.

You can be mad, but you can’t be mean.

Where does the mantra “You Can Be Mad, But You Can’t Be Mean” come from?

The phrase originally came from Ellen Dodge, social-emotional education pioneer and founder of Kimochis (the toy line with feelings inside). This mantra helps to establish boundaries and hold them. It’s all about teaching kids that you can feel anything you want without letting anyone become a target of those feelings. Meanness can’t be the next step, and lashing out is never the next step when you're mad. It is the beginning of understanding boundaries when big emotions show up.

5 Reasons Why This Family Mantra Works So Well

1. This family mantra is bidirectional

It works in two directions to help de-escalate conflict by showing kids that we are all playing by similar rules (parents and kids alike). This starkly contrasts homes like many of us were raised in, where rules are one-directional, e.g., parents set rules, and kids are expected to get in line.

2. A family mantra can provide a framework to teach sibling revelry instead of rivalry.

Instead of playing judge and jury, it helps everyone back up and understand their part in the mess. As a parent, you can help each kid figure out their piece in the action individually. Then, with their sibling, help them try and figure out what their part of the mess was and how they can work on that together. It’s an excellent place to help kids understand when they are getting mean to take that time out. To breathe, set a boundary with their sibling, and own their part in whatever happened. This helps to teach accountability, which can benefit every child in practicing again and again and again.

A straightforward question when they make a mistake is to say — what would you do differently next time? Suppose you can create a culture where they're constantly repairing with each other. In that case, they're continually rewriting, and then they ultimately get into a place of expressing their feelings to each other; it can make a big difference.

3. This family mantra helps kids identify their triggers

Usually, when there is a big reaction, something is happening underneath. Assisting kids in acknowledging that and seeing their feelings for what they are can allow them to dissipate. Remind yourself there's nothing to do here except to get your kid to move that feeling through their body so they can heal themselves.

4. A family mantra helps to process and deal with your resentments

There is a tremendous amount of unconscious grief that goes on inside of every parent, whether they've just left the workplace and are now working at home or they just lost the freedom they had to do their days as they wish. So many parents need to process how much grief is underneath the anger that they feel —grief around the loss of their freedom. And that is taboo for a lot of people to talk about. But it lives inside of every one of us. 

The mantra reminds us to make space to feel and process that grief, whether with friends, our partners, or in therapy. Honoring that parenthood is an entirely different way of being is an important thing to do. Otherwise, the resentment builds and leads to anger. And nobody wants to walk around feeling compressed, irritable, and sharp all the time! Parents deserve self-compassion when these feelings arise.  

5. Being kind and calm can be contagious

Humans are absorbent beings. Once somebody gets within five to 10 feet of our energy field, they're absorbing it, breathing our air, and being affected by and changed by us. So know yourself. Is it a day you are on edge and feeling more connected to the clock than the people in front of you? Unless you pick a different approach, connection can and will get missed. Pick one thing to get done in a day instead of 50. And if it is one thing like going to a hardware or grocery store, try to make it fun for your kids, too.

Conclusion: This Family Mantra Can Be the Segway to Healthy Boundary Work

Boundary work comes full circle. Getting to the root of the issue and creating a framework of social justice where everyone is accountable for their feelings can go a long way. This mantra stood out to me at Polly’s Parent School, which is now all online, including virtual sessions and Q&A that you can participate in. Check out my other post about what to do when your kids try to flip the hierarchy in your house for more tools that can help.

by Alicia

Parenting Advice: 5 Questions to Discuss Before Setting Up Your Estate Plan

One thing is sure: the real fun in accounting and time management begins after having kids. That’s why having your ducks in a row is essential before growing your family. Unforeseen things can happen to them if not, and as parents — these challenging conversations help ensure your peace of mind and their safety in every potential scenario.

According to a survey in April 2022, only 33% of Americans have put these estate plans in place, meaning as much as 67% still need to. By thinking through all the awful scenarios that could happen and pragmatically making the best decisions for your children, you’re ensuring the very best for them so you can sleep easier at night.  

This post helps cover some basic concepts and definitions as you get started.

Definitions You Need to Understand When Setting up an Estate Plan  

What is a trustee?

A person or member of a board given control or powers of property administration in trust with a legal obligation to administer it solely for the specified purposes.

What are beneficiaries?

A person who derives advantage from something, especially a trust, will, or life insurance policy.

What are the different types of trusts?

Revocable trusts

These are the most common types of trusts because provisions can be altered or canceled depending on the wishes of the grantor or the originator of the trust. In other words, you can change this living trust while alive. Only after death does property transfer to the trust's beneficiaries.

Irrevocable Trusts

Any trust where the grantor cannot change or end the trust after its creation. These have the most protections in terms of taxes and any lawsuits if they were applicable.

Testamentary Trusts

A specific type of trust that's created as part of a last will. A grantor (the trust's creator) leaves instructions in their will for a named executor detailing how their assets are managed by a trustee and distributed to beneficiaries.

What is the benefit of setting up a trust for my family?

The most significant benefit to setting up a trust is that finances and the distribution of your estate can flow seamlessly without going through the probate process. The probate process is long, costly, intrusive, and governed by statutes that may not mirror your desires or intentions. The most important thing is to ensure you’ve thought through all the tough decisions so that this doesn’t happen and your kids deal with a drawn-out process. 

Here are some questions to discuss with your spouse for the most productive meeting with an estate attorney.

5 Questions to Answer Before Setting Up Your Estate Plan

1. Who would take the kids if something happened to you both, and multiple scenarios after that? In other words, do you have a first choice, and if a member of that family were to pass, a second choice?

It’s good to have a first choice of who kids would go to if something happened to you, but also a secondary option if the dynamic of that situation changed. For instance, if you choose a parent, what would it look like if one of them were to pass? Would you want the same option or move to another one if you strongly feel two figures are necessary? If it’s someone on your spouse’s side, is there a counterparty on your side that you want included? Again, this is to spread the responsibility and choices during tough times and ensure both voices are around and present to make those sound decisions in your absence. 

These are complex discussions, but ensure the people taking on the responsibility don’t have to make these choices or get put in a tricky spot if something changes. The estate plan sets forth all your wishes for your children in advance.

2. Who will be responsible for the finances if something happens to you both? Is it one person or multiple people?

This can be the same person(s) that become guardians, your kids, or someone separate. They can also be split between parties, so you have sounding boards and a checks and balance system if that’s important to you.

3. At what age will your kids have access to funds, and who is responsible for making decisions until then?

Everyone has different financial situations; some may see firsthand the result if funds are given to kids too early. Ensure you have a plan for how your finances are distributed to your children and when they receive access. You can parse through this and again take the work out of it for whoever becomes responsible for making these decisions for your children.

4. If something happened to your spouse, who’s responsible for making decisions about your life? 

Some examples could be picking a sibling or parent or another trusted party that can make decisions on your life if your spouse isn’t able to for some reason. You can also spell out if you’d like your organs to be donated or not and note in your doctor’s file your estate plan so they know what to reference if needed in the future.

5. How many opinions, if any, do you want them to have before making decisions on your life?

Some unique clauses to draw out might be how many doctors you want them to consult or for what duration of time they have to decide to help again; it is more pragmatic during any tough time or situation that were to occur.

Final Thoughts on Setting Up an Estate Plan for Your Family

These are all things that you can have in place so that even if something were to happen, your kids are well cared for and not dealing with financial or emotional nightmares. After drawing all this up with a trust attorney and signing, it is essential to ensure the appropriate people have access to the information or know where to find it. There are also services now to file online. These estate plans are living and breathing documents you can change and amend over time. We hope this helps you with the tools getting started.

For something more light-hearted after reading this, check out our latest episode on the Digital Wellness Revolution that just dropped on MomShine.

by Alicia

7 Great Podcasts for Parents

As I started my podcast, I became a consumer of the many podcasts out there, trying to see what inspired me and what I thought could help me and other moms through the daily problems we are constantly trying to tackle. From packing the right gear to keeping organized to even taking care of ourselves daily, I found many inspiring shows and interviews to listen to. I gravitated to categories around health, sports, relationships, work, and even some comedy. I even created my first Podroll on Buzzsprout, highlighting my favorites that inspired me to go on and make the show MomShine. Below, I mention each of those shows and a particular episode from each that has stuck with me.

The Best Health, Fitness & Sports Podcasts for Parents:

• Move with Heart: Melissa Wood-Tepperberg is lovely to listen to. As a meditation teacher, certified yoga and pilates instructor, health coach, and beloved by the diverse community she’s cultivated over the years through her approach to mindfulness and fitness, I loved listening to her show as I was thinking about my own. One that stands out is S3 E50 on Unlocking Your Authentic Self Through Human Design with Jenna Zoe. The two together have great chemistry, and thinking about the energy we bring daily made me feel my energy, think about my partners, and better understand how I’m wired.

• Way of Champions: John O’Sullivan appeared in episode 103 on MomShine on Finding the Right Sports for Kids. John is a leading youth coach and international best-selling author of "Changing the Game: The Parents Guide to Raising Happy, High-Performing Athletes, and Giving Youth Sports Back to Our Kids." John told us how to pick the right mix of activities for our kids, bring back the "fun" in sports, and prevent them (and us) from burnout. An episode I love on his show to check out is #327, The Winning Ways of Women Coaches, with Cecile Renaud and Vanessa Fuchs. I gleaned so much about the latest trends from that episode, and it made me think about what I could do to get more involved with my kids’ sports and coaching. It was fascinating to learn how those stats and trends have changed since the 70’s.

• Hello Menopause: I came across this show while researching episode 104, which is all about perimenopause and menopause-related symptoms, which will drop soon. Donna Klassen, co-founder of Let’s Talk Menopause, is featured on that show and taught me so much. I learned that so many things impact our symptoms around menopause and practitioners' abilities to help us through that process. One of which I enjoyed learning about was the episode S1 E12 on “BRCA1 Positive” with Monica Molenaar. This guest co-founded Alloy, another great telehealth platform seeking to help treat menopause that is worth checking out if you are on a journey to understanding your hormone levels and options.

The Best Comedy Podcast for Parents:

• Family Trips: Are you gearing up for long holiday road trips this year? The Meyers Brothers do not disappoint with this new podcast all about celebrity family trips. I loved the episode with Nia Vardalos, the star of 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding.' I giggled through her childhood memories and learned more about Greek family dynamics. Thank you to the show Sibling Revelry by Kate and Oliver Hudson for pointing out this great show to me. I also love their show and have listened to every single episode.

The Best Relationship Podcast for Parents:

• We Can Do Hard Things: There are too many great shows I’ve listened to here, and Glennon Doyle, her sister Amanda, and Abby Wambach have an incredibly dynamic and inspiring show. I loved episode 226 on Enneagrams: Why You Are the Way You Are with Suzanne Stabile. Are you noticing a trend here? I love things with energy and light, so I plan to bring some of that to the MomShine pod.

The Best Career Podcasts for Moms: 

• Rising Tide: I got put in touch with Margaret Weniger through a mutual friend and colleague, and she’s been an inspiration in leading SDR teams for many startups. She started the podcast to help other women in the career world. This episode with Frawn Morgan inspired me to learn about the latest trends in women’s health and how that can have an impact on your kids. Be sure to stay on until the end to hear her latest research, which is incredible. Can women have it all? Or do we need to re-prioritize to having the right pieces in place to fulfill us — which in turn lifts our whole family? 
• 9-5-ish: This was my go-to listen for years to and from work. I loved the advice from co-founders, CEOs, and other female leaders — with hosts Carly Zakin and Danielle Weisberg to help me think about my career with the most intelligent women. And shows consistently drop on Wednesdays! I loved this episode with the Foster sisters; it’s a great episode to help you start and think about how to take career risks.

Link to my PodRoll again with all my favorite suggestions and a few others, like The goop Podcast and The Skinny Confidential, which are absolute musts in your feed. Check out our latest drop just in time for the holidays (SP106 Kids’ Favorite Holiday Traditions - Remastering Family Habits for the New Year). Happy listening!

by Alicia