7 Ways to Overcome Top Parenting Challenges With Ease
My MomShine journey began with creating a family structure that worked for us. I felt I was winging it when working long hours in startup life, so I immediately enrolled in Polly Ely’s MFT Parent School for some easy tips to overcome the top challenges I was experiencing.
Instead of looking to others, I wanted a playbook I could feel confident in when the going got rough and to know I was doing my best without judgment both inwardly and outwardly to keep a sturdy lead for our family.
Here are some tips for getting through top parenting challenges with more ease.
1) Create easy-to-follow family rules to overcome parenting challenges
First, I needed rules to follow to build healthy family dynamics in our household. Ones that everyone could follow. Once outlined, have them in the house and have a family meeting. Ours include:
- Refusal to participate
- Taunting or teasing
- Mistreating yourself, others, or creatures
- Processing when we get mad without getting mean
- Sharing is caring
They are simple in the sense that they all go back to kindness. Often, fights start with our youngest when toys are taken from him. We love working on #5 because being generous is key. Also, treating yourself and others well and having a participatory attitude around the house is big. One fun thing to do is to give your family a team name. Ours is “Candy,” and then it rotates periodically, letting a kid pick the name of the candy of choice when we want to change things up. It helps us all work together as a unit and keeps everyone involved in the fun.
2) Maintain the family hierarchy
Kids don’t get to dictate which parent does bedtime or help them with their homework. The same goes for barking complaints instead of respectfully asking for what they want or need. Instead, pause and ensure you’re teaching them the best way to communicate and ask for what they need from you. Often, we go into autopilot and fall for these common traps, giving them control. Have a plan on the values and guidelines you want to teach and how you will teach them. Maintaining the lead in your house ensures that no gentle or passive parenting enables kids to take too much control before they’re ready.
3) Keep clear and calm communication during kids misbehavior
This can sometimes be the hardest to keep, especially when your kids’ actions are hurtful or upsetting. A splash of cold water on the face can go a long way. Children who are constantly yelled at by their parents are more likely to develop behavioral problems, low self-esteem, and depression, according to a 2013 study published in The Journal of Child Development. According to Jazmine McCoy, a clinical psychologist based in the Atlanta suburbs, it can interfere with their connection to us if it's more common. But every parent yells from time to time. Just ensure it’s always followed up with a repair and rebuilding that connection to them after.
4) Set boundaries to help navigate parenting challenges
Boundaries are essential for children because they provide safety, structure, and guidance. They help children understand their limits, develop self-discipline, and make better decisions. They also ensure that they can set their own boundaries in the future. Some boundary work examples are having things that are yours off limits: your purse, makeup, drawer, etc. Also, have boundaries on behavior. The mantra, You Can Be Mad But Not Mean, gives kids a line not to cross when learning to process their emotions.
5) Eliminate worry parenting
Another way of thinking about this is not to probe for pain and instead let kids bring problems to you. Replace “Be Careful” with “You Got This.” Help them feel free from worrying and confident in their approach so that this can be a running inner dialogue they can lean on in the future. I started saying this to myself when I got scared. “I got this!” Competence is a significant growth area for kids, and perfectionism can stunt that growth.
6) Asking for help can alleviate other parenting issues
Asking for help can alleviate other parenting issues while fostering a cooperative and supportive family environment. Encouraging kids along their learning journey is a crucial part of parenting, and since every child is different, it's important to adapt to their unique needs and pace. Taking on too much at once can be overwhelming for children, so it's beneficial to involve them in the family ecosystem in ways that help them learn to contribute what they can effectively.
Example 1: Teaching Manners at Family Dinner
One way to help kids learn to ask for help and to offer help is by practicing manners at family dinners. Instead of overwhelming them with all the manners, focus on one manner at a time. Make it fun by incorporating a code signal to avoid embarrassment when they forget, especially in public. For instance, you could touch your nose anytime a child interrupts a conversation. This helps them remember their manners and teaches them to recognize when you are subtly asking for their help. Set a monthly theme and reward kids for their progress, allowing them to improve in manageable steps.
Example 2: Morning Bases Routine
Another engaging strategy is implementing a "running the morning bases" type routine. Assign 3-4 tasks your kids are responsible for in the morning (i.e., the bases), letting them complete them in any order they prefer. If you have an hour to get ready in the morning, you can break it into 15-minute intervals and ask your kids which base they are on and what they plan to do next. Be patient and flexible with time, even if it means being late occasionally, so they understand the consequences of not completing their tasks promptly. This approach teaches responsibility and encourages kids to be helpful and proactive in contributing to the family ecosystem.
Using these strategies, you can create an environment where children feel empowered to ask for help and assist others, fostering a cooperative and supportive family dynamic.
7) Lead by example is the golden rule of parenting
When I first started the MomShine podcast, I couldn’t wait to dive into the topic of devices and how to handle them with my kids better. I wanted answers and training tools to lean on. Little did I know the most significant thing I'd learned was that all roads pointed back to me living a healthier relationship with my device.
The Golden Rule of Parenting: Model what you'd like to see from your kids.
The best thing I could do to help with tech was to show them how to use it and not be dependent on them. Work is in progress here, but there are no more phones at the dinner table, on vacations (unless for pictures), or weekends when we hang out. If I’m coordinating too much on it, I ask for a minute to resolve something and then put it away.
With any lesson we want to teach, it's essential that we show the way and help apply why those life lessons are important. Honest and solid communication is the way to make a big difference. And when in doubt—keep it simple! That’s what MomShine is all about. Remember to enjoy this time with them along the way. That’s all they want at the end of the day.
Check out our new guide for 20 Quick Tips to Shine for more tips.
Perimenopause vs Menopause: Important Info for Women Over Thirty
Perimenopause and menopause can cause a variety of issues and symptoms for women over thirty. I experienced changes in how I felt daily and monthly that I wanted to get in front of. From super dry skin to not feeling like myself mentally to debilitating headaches to unexplained insomnia — I got sick of my doctor brushing off how this was impacting my everyday life. And I didn’t want to treat it with things I wasn’t comfortable taking regularly.
Instead, I took a seminar, Inner Peace Wellness, led by Jill Baker, Family Nurse Practitioner, and Polly Ely, MFT. You can also see another post on these beautiful learnings here. Along with this great seminar that taught me so much, I sat down with the CEO of the organization Let’s Talk Menopause, Donna Klassen, to answer all of my burning questions about perimenopause and menopause symptoms to ensure I was on the right track to better health through all of it.
1) What are the most common symptoms of menopause?
Menopause can cause depression, anxiousness, irregular heartbeat, dizziness, sleeplessness, hot flashes, day sweats, night sweats, chills, irritability, weight gain, hair loss, and more. All of these symptoms, according to the National Institute of Health, are normal and just a part of sexual maturation called menopause. It is not a disease or condition, even though people experience many symptoms without treatment. Not only are we usually told to minimize our suffering with these typical symptoms, but the duration we are required to feel crappy with this full-body takeover, according to the National Institute of Aging, can take up to 14 years.
2) What’s the average age of menopause, and how can women feel more supported through this transition?
The average age of menopause sufferers is 45 to 55, give or take a few years for perimenopausal symptoms, which is several years before that. There is an excellent quote by Tricia Posner, a British nonfiction writer and author of This Is Not Your Mother's Menopause, where she writes, “Our mothers were largely silent about what happened to them as they pass through this midlife change. But a new generation of women has already started to break the wall of silence.”
Donna Klassen and Samara Daley are two of those women who founded the national nonprofit called Let's Talk Menopause. These women have interviewed Oprah and many other prominent people who have been more vocal on this topic, and their website hosts a plethora of staggering stats that can help women feel less alone on the journey. For instance, 27 million, representing 20% of the workforce, are in some phase of menopause transition. So, harnessing facts on average menopause age windows and finding the proper support can help.
The organization started in 2021, but the idea came to Donna, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, in 2019 after her own experience with menopause. She went through surgical menopause after having breast cancer and found the healthcare around menopause and the education to be lacking. “I'm a therapist and a social worker, and I've worked most recently in the last 10-15 years around reproductive mental health, helping with struggles during postpartum, the perinatal period, and postpartum. So, I have experience with mental health around these hormonal shifts. And one of the things about menopause is that it often causes a lot of mental health symptoms,” she says. Getting support, understanding the average age to be on the lookout for changes, and knowing where to go for support can help.
3) What can you look out for regarding the signs and symptoms of perimenopause?
According to Donna, “There are three windows of vulnerability for women. The first is puberty and periods, the second is the perinatal period (pregnancy and postpartum), and the third is perimenopause. But a lot of people don't know that they are in perimenopause versus others since everyone’s experience is different, and we don’t have any visibility into when menopause will hit.” The key symptoms of irritability that happen during the perimenopause phase can be hard to distinguish and diagnose.
The more significant transition that does get the most focus, and we know for certain, is menopause because when you're in this phase, you’re always in it, and there is a distinct marker of no period for over a year to determine it. However, symptoms of perimenopause can start four to 10 years before your final period. And what's confusing is you don't know when that final period will be.
4) Why are perimenopause and menopause symptoms so hard to treat?
Unfortunately, hormone treatments have gotten a bad reputation. There was an extensive study that happened in 2002 that has been looked at again and reevaluated, as it overstated the risk of breast cancer. At that time, about 50% of women were taking hormone therapy, and after that study, it dropped to just 5%, and now it's just barely above 5%. “Part of it is not knowing that options are limited because women have generally been understudied, under-researched, and not enough money has been dedicated to studying menopause. The risks have been overstated versus acknowledging that they are generally safe,” says Donna.
The North American Menopause Society made its recommendations in 2022 and encouraged people to do a risk-benefit analysis with their medical provider. “But the main problem is, is that after that study happened, menopause was taken out of the curriculum in medical school,” says Donna. Today’s doctors, including GYNs, don't have a lot of education about menopause. Eighty percent of OB-GYNs said they felt unprepared coming out of school to talk to a woman about menopause. If the doctors and the providers aren't informed, how are the patients supposed to know what's happening? The overarching issue is that women are not educated, and doctors are not educated about basic facts and what happens during this time.
5) How do perimenopausal symptoms differ amongst ethnic groups?
“There was an extensive research study called SWAN, and it shows that black women and Latina women have more prolonged menopause symptoms, and their hot flashes start earlier and last longer,” says Donna. The same study shows that hot flashes not only affect sleep—they can affect your heart. New research is coming out that it's not just being hot.
6) What other new research have you heard or seen about menopause?
“Systemic estrogen alone (for women without a uterus) studies show that it reduces your risk of breast cancer. Estrogen plus progesterone studies show a small increase in the risk of breast cancer,” says Donna. We've been taught to fear getting breast cancer with hormone therapy and instead not looking at the whole picture. But another way to look at this time is instead of a window of vulnerability, it's also a window of opportunity. It’s a time to focus on good health relating to your bones, heart, and brain, which all get impacted when estrogen is lower since it lubricates every body part.
7) What other things get impacted when we enter menopause?
Many people don't know about the Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM), which is a new term. It’s essentially referring to the vaginal atrophy that happens during this process due to the lack of lubrication. It encompasses a vast constellation of symptoms, like vaginal and urinary issues, including vaginal dryness. “Estrogen is a lubricant, so when you become dry, intercourse can be painful, there are increased urinary urges and leaking, and also increased UTIs, which can be deadly,” says Donna. This is because the urinary wall becomes thinner, and the lining is thinner and shortens. So therefore, there's no barrier between the anal wall and the vaginal wall, which increases the risk of UTIs.
8) What treatments can help with vaginal dryness when estrogen decreases in menopause?
One treatment is local vaginal estrogen. Some don’t directly contain estrogen called Interosa but instead include DHEA, which converts to estrogen in the body. It is another route to take and discuss with your doctor if you experience painful sex with dryness. There is also a hyaluronic acid called Revaree which can be used in between intercourse to hydrate and moisturize vaginal tissues naturally. “But be mindful and cautious as always when selecting products since supplements in the US are not as regulated,” says Donna. The FDA recently approved a safe medication for hot flashes called Veozah (fezolinetant).
9) Are there any other tests or symptoms to watch out for that can help manage menopause?
Unfortunately, right now, the guidelines say to wait to get your first DEXA scan, which is a scan to measure how much bone mass you have until you are 65. A menopause-informed provider can help. You can go to menopause.org, which links you to the North American Menopause Society, now called the Menopause Society. They have a list of certified providers, and these are providers who have more training in menopause in particular.
10) What else can we do to support more research on menopause?
There is a bill in the works with Yvette Clark, a Brooklyn congresswoman. It has yet to be introduced, so it's just a bill. However, a coalition of doctors and other advocates is working hard to get this passed. “It will give more money for research and redo that study from 2002 to do a more comprehensive study on hormone therapy. There has been a lot of talk, and in the last couple of years, menopause has sort of come out of the shadows, but we still have a lot of work to do,” says Donna. The goal is to ensure that women's health gets studied more and that there's the money to do so.
You can go to letstalkmenopause.org/advocacy and sign up for monthly updates. You can also listen to our full episode 104: Getting In Front of Menopause Symptoms—New Help for 30’s+, which details the above in greater detail. And if you want to read more advice, check out our article on 4 Mom Survival Tips That Help During Menopause.
10 Travel Hacks That Might Save Your Next Family Vacation
Regarding traveling, the best recommendations are to go with the flow, be present, and keep your wits about you. It’s tempting to want to “overschedule” your family vacation, especially if you’ve been burning the wicks at every end with work and children’s needs, but even the best-clad plans can go awry.
As I planned for a MomShine episode on travel, I reflected on one trip where everything went wrong in 72 hours. We had a kid get violently ill with food poisoning only to miss the family wedding we were traveling for, then went to a mis-advertised vacation rental from hell, then tried to take a trek up a deserted Mexican highway only to have the police threaten to take us to jail, then had to turn around because the adventure we had planned could no longer happen due to bad weather.
Life happens on vacation, and I had to dig deep to keep my vacation vibe on this one. But if I had applied a few safety measures, as I learned from travel advisor Kristina Watkins of KW Lux Travel, some of these issues could have been avoided and easier to deal with.
Travel Hack #1: Have one plan per day
It’s tempting, but don’t overbook your family trip. When traveling with kids, an outing or adventure per day is more than enough. Keep the schedule flexible to allow for breaks and unexpected changes. Activities like sledding, ice skating, skiing, and snowboarding can be exciting in winter destinations. Some places also offer horse-drawn sleigh rides and winter festivals.
Summer is all about nature activities. Scavenger hunts with kids and beach adventures are always a hit. Also, visiting safari parks, zoos, and aquariums and seeing different animals in their habitat can be exciting.
Kristina shared on our latest episode to also book a guide whenever possible. Through one winging trip to the Louvre with her family and braving the crowds, it can make a real difference to have structure for you and the kids in toe. The added beauty of a dedicated guide is that they can help answer a million questions for kids, allowing parents to enjoy the experience, too!
Travel Hack #2: Consider the channel you are booking through
I didn’t know this leading up to the interview, but hotels and accommodations prioritize based on travel channels that guests book through. Using travel points or memberships is also best if you are booking yourself. We recently learned about the benefits of certain Amex cards with certain hotels. Think twice before booking that great discounted rate when traveling with kids. Sometimes, an advisor can help ensure you get preference.
Booking with points is great because it’s free for the traveler. However, you don’t get any preferential treatment, and it is often the last priority to get assigned a good room or a connecting room if you need it, which can be very frustrating for families of 5. Additionally, advisors offer the same, if not better, perks than Amex. So if you are about to book a hotel room directly with the property, most advisors will book these complimentary, so there’s no added cost for the client, and then you can access VIP perks.
Travel Hack #3: Connect with locals
The other beauty of a travel advisor is they have support wherever you go. Having locals or friends who can help you settle in specific destinations and pivot when necessary can make a huge difference. Locals are a great source of recommendations. Even a local at a surf shop or retail store can help you get your bearings if you can locate those people before arrival.
It’s always important to feel safe when traveling with kids. Bad actors know that tourists typically carry larger amounts of cash and valuables, which can make them more vulnerable to scams. Dress like a local. Try to avoid "looking like a tourist.” Don't wear flashy jewelry. Cross-body bags or fanny packs are safer than shoulder or handbags. Lastly, consider using RFID wallets that can’t be scanned by fraudsters, and drink responsibly.
Travel Hack #4: Get kids excited leading up to a trip with fun books and shows
Kristina likes the “Who Is” book series for kids. For instance, having your kids read about Cristiano Ronaldo could be good if you visit Portugal. For Australia, it could be good to read about Steve Irwin. Get them excited about where they are going, immersing them in the history and wildlife that they can learn about beforehand.
Travel Hack #5: Create packing lists of your items with all family members involved
Getting the kids involved in planning and packing will help prevent items from being “left behind.” Kristina says Tylenol chewables are fantastic to have on hand as they don’t spill and can help. For parents, knowing if any digital connectors and all cords are on hand can ensure you are armed and ready to wing it on the rest.
Below are some items I’ve listed to ensure I don’t miss when going abroad.
Parent checklist
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Child’s checklist
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**Rolling clothes can also save space and minimize wrinkles
Travel Hack #6: Have a "plan B" if things go awry due to bad weather or other uncontrollable variables
Know where the local hospital or medical services are. Having a local expert’s number, like a local tour operator or a travel advisor who typically has access to folks wherever you are traveling who speak English, is also a good idea.
Upon arrival, get to know your surroundings wherever you go and have people you can ask for help when and if you need to pivot on plans. Be sure to pack travel games like a deck of cards, like uno, to have on hand to play in the room or hotel lobby if the rain (or heat) prevents you from following your original plans.
Travel Hack #7: Avoid peak travel seasons
Avoiding peak travel seasons can greatly enhance your travel experience by reducing costs, avoiding crowds, and providing a more relaxed atmosphere. Plan and book early if you must travel during these peak times, especially since most trips revolve around school calendars. Kristina recommends 4-6 months in advance.
Here are some strategies for preventing peak seasons at popular travel destinations:
- Europe: The summer months (June to August) are extremely popular. To beat the rush, ensure you have a travel guide to skip crowds or aim for the spring or early Fall season.
- Asia: For Japan, you want to avoid cherry blossom season (late March to early April), Golden Week (late April to early May), and Obon Festival (mid-August), and instead visit during late autumn (November) or winter (January-February). For Thailand, the peak tourist season is November to February.
- North America: in the United States and Canada, summer (June to August) and holiday seasons can be more hectic than spring and fall.
- Australia and New Zealand: Avoid the summer (December to February) and school holidays. Visit during the shoulder seasons in March-April or September-November.
- South America: Avoid Carnival in Brazil (February or March) and the summer months (December to March). Visit in the shoulder seasons (April-June, September-November). For Peru (Machu Picchu), skip the peak season (June to August). The best times are the shoulder seasons of April-May and September-October.
- Africa: For South Africa, avoid the high summer season (December to January) and major holidays. The best times to visit are in the shoulder seasons (April-May, September-October). In Morocco, you want to avoid the peak tourist season (March-May, September-November) and visit during the low season (June-August, December-January). But be mindful of extreme temperatures.
- Middle East United Arab Emirates (Dubai): Avoid the winter months (November to March) and major events. Visit during the shoulder seasons (April-May, September-October). For Israel, skip the peak periods of spring (Passover) and fall (Sukkot). Ideal times are late autumn (October-November) and winter (January-February).
By planning your trips around these peak seasons, you can enjoy more serene environments, better availability of accommodations, and a more authentic destination experience.
Travel Hack #8: Make digital copies of important documents
Ensure you know if places require visas or other things before arrival. If something goes missing, it’s also good to have copies of passports, driver’s licenses, and credit card information. I also like a tangible folder and printout for all flight and hotel information to have on hand in case you need help getting to where you need to go.
Kristina recommends taking photos of all passports and saving them in a photo folder on your phone so it’s all in one place and easily accessible. Sometimes, you can save this to the cloud, so it's still available if you lose your phone.
Travel Hack #9: Book long enough layovers in airports
In this day and age, stuff can happen. Flights can change, but ensure you aren’t rushing in an airport with kids and again have a contingency plan. A pro tip Kristina recommends with kids is ensuring transport from the airline to accommodations to ensure smooth transfers after long flights.
Travel Hack #10: During your trip, check in with family and friends
Before you go, your loved ones or friends know where you’ll be and when, and check in along the way. When in doubt, work with a travel advisor to help ensure you’re at ease during your trip. You can contact Kristina at this link to help plan your next trip!
Listen to the full episode on what we’d do differently when traveling with kids so everyone has the best time on their next trip.
From Wanting to Quit to Winning 3 Communicator Awards as a First-Time Podcast Host
I started my week at a real low. My husband and I had been frustrated with each other for weeks. I wasn’t generally happy with his tone and demeanor, and he wasn’t pleased with my constant complaints of needing help. Sound familiar?
Working Mom Life Not Always Working Out
I was at total capacity, billing 20 hours a week (more like 30 once you add in everything it takes to juggle multiple clients) while also trying to keep this small passion project called MomShine afloat. I started my Monday morning crying at a beach, which tends to be my sanctuary when I struggle. We had just thrown our final blows at each other over text and email, and he won this round.
I ran through the lack of acknowledgment from my partner, knowing wholeheartedly that I was burning the wick at every end to try and create a profitable content consultancy and media business. A media business that was gaining some traction but was still in its infancy, and I was tired of caring for it.
I sat at that beach, immediately booked a sitter to take my husband to dinner, and told him I quit. I was going to stop the business after two months of multiple clients, pulling off three kids' birthdays and helping shuttle to six different sports activities each week as a bonafide Uber driver after 3 p.m. I told him I was done with MomShine. I wasn’t shining anymore, and it wasn’t worth my sanity or marriage.
The Hard Truth of Being a Small Business Mom
We went to bed, and though he started to understand my real passion for it, I couldn’t do it all without it generating some revenue. His business provided for our family, so he couldn’t take on more at home either—a position many women find themselves in. I’d been picking, choosing, and trying to run a lean company, but I’m not sure I had the 5-10 years many of my peers took to lead it to profitability.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, approximately 20% of small businesses fail within their first year. The failure rate increases to 30% by the end of the second year, 50% by the fifth year, and 70% by the tenth year. I’m always one to want to play the odds. I’d like to at least get through 5 years of trying for a 50/50 shot at it, but hey—at least I knew I wasn’t alone. Running a business is hard work.
Momshine Wins 3 Communicator Awards
I went to bed, ready to take a break from it all. Then I woke up to learn I was honored with 17 Communicator Awards in Excellence and Distinction for our first 4 episodes ever produced. We received five honors in Excellence for Health and Fitness, my show hosting as a complete first-timer, and an additional 12 Honors in Distinction for writing, storytelling, sound design, & more. I was ecstatic!
The Communicator Awards is sanctioned and reviewed by the Academy of Interactive & Visual Arts (AIVA), an invitation-only group of top-tier professionals from acclaimed media, communications, advertising, creative and marketing firms. AIVA members include executives from organizations like Amazon, Big Spaceship, Chelsea Pictures, Conde Nast, Critical Mass, Disney, ESPN, GE Digital, IBM, The Nation of Artists, Nextdoor, Spotify, Time Inc., the Wall Street Journal/Dow Jones, and Wired. A group of very impressive peers recognized me with some of the highest honors they give and for hosting as a complete first-timer.
Pushing Through the Struggle as a Small Business Mom
As a creative thinker, I’m always looking to talk through issues and simplify them, capture my learnings, reflect on them, and then rinse and repeat the next time around. My podcasting outlet helped me work through a variety of conundrums I was having, from how to handle my perimenopause journey to picking the right sports mix for my kids to how to help them cope with social media when we enter that phase next. These award validations reminded me of the ebbs and flows in life. We struggle, collect necessary data, and then push through. You never know what could be on the other side if you don’t.
Transferring My Communicator Award to Better Communication at Home
I further explained to my husband that if I said no to my passions and goals, I might live in regret, and that’s not healthy for anyone. We can plan together better in the future, continue to talk it out, line up support, and put a timeline and budget for what we’re willing to both lean into to make a platform that I am proud of at the end of the day.
In those moments of struggle, you determine if something matters enough to keep going. I was gaining intel to do a job I wanted to excel at (being a shiny mom) and realizing that being a leader in our home means leaning into those communities and making the space to do what I love without regret, without influence, and with solid communication at home to make that all happen. A muscle I had gotten used to ignoring over time—articulating my wants and needs in life, but I needed to improve.
I couldn’t be more grateful for these awards and recognition at an opportune time to reflect on this journey. In the meantime, your positive feedback also gives me something to lean on when the going gets rough. I’m humbled, grateful, and proud to be a mom and a communicator of all these struggles with all of you alongside me.
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New Norms to Help Modern Moms on Mother’s Day
Nearly a quarter of American mothers now identify as stay-at-home parents—a sharp rise from 15% in 2022—and 2023 marked the year I became one of them. My youngest (born in 2021) kept getting sick due to low immunity caused by an isolating pandemic and a lack of childcare options. It was a tough decision, but I opted for the “break” from helping startups cross the acquisition finish line as a content leader.
I took it as an opportunity to learn about other industries and dive into all the parenting areas where, quite frankly, I was winging it while helping build those great companies. I recorded what I learned, created blogs and playbooks to lean on, and produced 12 episodes in 6 months for the MomShine show and website.
My biggest takeaway in less than a year? All roads lead back to “moms leading by example,” and there are many areas in which we could focus to feel better. There was so much I wanted to tackle when I first started on this journey. Kids' sports were driving me crazy, pre-menopausal symptoms were taking me down, and everything surrounding social media felt headed in a terrifyingly worse direction.
Over the past six months, I have learned a lot and started thinking—what if there were some new norms to lean on? What if just a few things were more accessible to help make us and, more importantly, our kids feel better? I’d love more awareness to help working moms stay at their best and raise the next generation of superstars. So here goes…
New Norms for Modern Mothers to Live By
New Norm for Modern Moms #1: Kids would have more access to organized sports to improve their game
Did you know physically active children are 15% more likely to attend college and that student-athletes earn up to 40% higher test scores? These are just some of the many benefits of regular physical activity for children as they grow up.
That's why I was surprised that in the U.S., only 50.7% of youth ages 6-17 say they “participated on a sports team” or “took sports lessons after school or on weekends.” Compared to countries like Norway, where 93% of children grow up playing organized sports, that feels low. They also achieved more medals in the Winter Olympics than any other country.
As I learned from youth sports pioneer and founder of Changing the Game Project, John O’Sullivan, the reason for this difference is that many countries around the world (especially in Europe) fund youth sports. Individual families pay a small fee, and the government supports the clubs by providing different youth sports programs.
Unfortunately, that’s not always the case here in the U.S. Still, instead of paying expensive club fees at young ages, the key takeaway from this model is letting kids experience as many sports as possible and holding off on higher-level sports events (i.e., championships) until later, so it’s more about sports sampling and development and less about winning.
Instead, we could support more locally funded teams. We could put the fun back into the game, opening it up to all levels and bars of talent to succeed. We could also get more moms out there coaching as much as possible. Listen to the full episode to see how that’s also been decreasing over time.
New Norm for Modern Moms #2: Social media would be a safe space instead of an unregulated nightmare
Beating a dead horse here, I know. However, according to Pew Research, 15% of teens say they've experienced someone other than a parent constantly asking them where they are, what they’re doing, or who they’re with when online and using their cell phone. Another 10% say they have been physically threatened, and 7% of teens say they have had explicit images of them shared without their consent. Even more shocking is that until 2024, there weren’t any federal or state laws to protect teens from receiving this type of media. Meanwhile, a vibrant tech world made $11B from them alone in 2022.
That’s starting to change in California, thanks to Larissa May, founder of online learning platform #HalftheStory, and her work with Governor Gavin Newsom on getting California Assembly Bill 1394 passed and into effect earlier this year. This bill will get tech companies to put more defense mechanisms around sex trafficking and very harmful content deemed as sexual abuse on the internet, which is a low stake. “It’s just an example of how far we are behind in protecting young people in the digital world,” says Larissa.
What could we do better to manage social media? I'm excited to learn that Florida is currently testing such measures by prohibiting them until they are a certain age. Parents can teach kids about the money-making platform they are engaging with and put a proactive, family-friendly tech contract in place. I am also a happy ambassador of products that support digital well-being, like an Aro box. Unfortunately, much of the onus for protection will continue to be on us to create avenues for open discussion and set the example of engaging on these platforms for years to come.
New Norm for Modern Moms #3: Menopause support would be readily available
Although 168 million women are living with menopause in the US (and 1 billion worldwide), we don’t know much about it. As Let’s Talk Menopause co-founder Donna Klassen called out in a recent episode of the Momshine podcast, menopause is misunderstood by women going through it and medical professionals alike due to some alarming statistics.
- 75% of women who seek medical care regarding symptoms of menopause are left untreated.
- 80% of OBGYN residents admit to being ill-prepared to discuss menopause.
At least 27M, representing 20% of the workforce, are in some menopause transition phase. Symptoms can be severe and include depression, anxiousness, irregular heartbeat, dizziness, sleeplessness, hot flashes, day sweats, night sweats, chills, irritability, weight gain, hair loss, and more. Every woman experiences it differently, but most OBGYNs don’t have much education about menopause, which makes treating it difficult.
As for hormone replacement therapy, the North American Menopause Society made its recommendations in 2022 and encouraged people to do a risk-benefit analysis with their medical provider. “But the main problem is that after that study happened, menopause was taken out of the curriculum in medical school,” says Donna.
We could do better by making menopause education and research more mainstream. Sign this bill to do your part. According to this Time article, experts believe a meaningful shift will only occur once the core issues change: How research is conducted and disseminated, how doctors are trained, and how seriously practitioners take women’s pain. With the million-plus people in the U.S. who reach menopause every year, we need it.
New Norm for Modern Moms #4: Maternal mortality would decrease with access to solid postpartum support
An astonishing 800 women died in 2020 due to maternal causes in the U.S., while in 2021, over 1,200 women died of pregnancy-related issues. According to The Washington Department of Health, 80% of pregnancy-related deaths were preventable.
Over half of those deaths occur between 7 days and one year after pregnancy (the fourth trimester.) According to the World Health Organization, the U.S. has the highest rate of maternal mortality among wealthy nations. In a BabyCenter survey of nearly 2,000 U.S. moms, 44% of white mothers said they received the support they needed when leaving the hospital as new mothers. However, compare that to 38% of Hispanic mothers, 32% of Black mothers, and only 22% of Asian American and Pacific Islander mothers.
Other countries have different approaches to supporting mothers post-birth. In South Korea, it’s customary for mothers to stay in postpartum centers up to 14 days after birth. In Latin America and China, there are postpartum periods during which others handle chores, help the mom rest and bond with the baby. In Europe, it’s common for midwives to visit new moms at home to provide similar care and lactation assistance.
We could do better by providing better postpartum support. Reasonable paid family leave, doula and midwife support, and more contact with new moms would help. The PBS docu-series on The Risk of Giving Birth shows some hospitals just simply checking up on moms more frequently in the days and months after giving birth can make a huge difference.
All I Want for Mother’s Day is Some Awareness for the Modern Mom
I have researched and learned many things about kids' mental well-being related to mom. Just role-modeling a healthy lifestyle can help improve kids' outlook in the long run. But don't get me wrong—it's the hardest job at times, especially when juggling work and other responsibilities. However, the data shows that happy moms are more likely than happy dads to produce teenage children with fewer high levels of mental health problems. This is true for both boys and girls.
There’s a significant weight on moms to be shining examples, but being aware of where to focus and invest your time gives you the power to change, put the measures in place to help yourself, support other moms around you, and allow you and your kids to shine, too.
Most importantly, take care of yourself and enjoy Mother’s Day!
Inspirational Mom Story: How Nikki Lindgren Launched a 7-Digit Business as a Busy Mom to Three
As a working mom, compromise isn’t just a skill to be honed – it’s a way of life. Balancing being present for our kids with professional growth is a constant need. But just because it isn’t easy doesn’t mean it has to come at a high personal cost.
Mompreneurs like Nikki Lindgren, Founder & Managing Partner of Pennock, are showing us the way. Here’s how this mom of three went from being a business leader in corporate America to thriving as a business mom with her seven-digit digital marketing agency.
Nikki Lindgren’s Beginning as a Mompreneur
Lindgren started her career in e-commerce, first at Pottery Barn and then at World Market, where she founded the e-commerce team. Its successful launch ignited a fire in her for digital, which she deepened through mastery of paid and search channels via agency partnerships.
“From World Market, I went to the agency that helped us with the launch,” said Lindgren. “I built out a team behind me that managed paid and SEO for 45 clients, including the New York Nicks, the Saints, Ben Sherman, etc. It was an exciting time! Then, I had my first kid, and the company merged with a subsidiary of LiveNation, so we decided to relocate for my husband’s work. KiwiCo (the STEM kit company for kids) was just a block away, so I joined their team. I had my second kid, moved to a tech company in the wearables space, and decided to set out independently.”
Becoming a Mompreneur: Executing the Vision
After becoming pregnant with her third child, Lindgren was ready to put her expertise to work for herself. After years of successfully building out search and paid channels in-house, she had all the skills she needed to offer her services to beauty and lifestyle brands.
“My husband is a data person like me, so we created a forecast together and realized we could scale quickly. At first, it was just us, but soon enough, we built a team to put an account manager on every account. It wasn’t easy, as we had a lot to learn about hiring and building out the company culture along the way. But it’s now where I’m not on client calls and day-to-day work; I’m focused on strategy and growth. This is a big shift from the first two years!”
Today, Lindgren’s boutique agency has eight full-time employees and one open role. Pennock makes over six figures a year, and Lindgren can unplug on the weekends to be present with her kids (ages nine, eight, and six) — all while working 35/40 hours per week.
7 Questions on Making Life Work as a Business Mom
1. Tell me about your background and how you became a business mom.
Nikki: There are four primary skills that women need if they want to be business moms. First is maintaining motivation. Working in a business and running a home can feel daunting, so if you don’t have that inner drive, you won’t succeed. Some other skills I’ve honed and gotten good at that entrepreneurs need to understand are how to scale revenue, hire quality candidates for their business, and quickly navigate home responsibilities.
2. Did you ever want to quit?
Nikki: I never actively looked, but I did scan other options. For me, if I’m not loving my work in six months, I’m going to call it. For example, I recently joined a network with other agency owners, confirming this is what I want to do.
3. How did you build and maintain growth?
Nikki: Here are my main takeaways. Your balance needs to carry over a few months. You need to hustle hard running your own business and gaining accounts because it’s not something easily outsourced. Focus on building personal relationships; they’re a huge driver of growth. For example, 80% of our business is referrals. Last but not least, find clients you’re aligned with and who set realistic goals.
4. What are some cultural must-haves for running a good business?
Nikki: For us, it’s been essential to be de-centralized and support remote workers across the country, especially since many of our all-women staff are working moms. We offer competitive benefits, including healthcare, 401(k) plans with matching contributions, 20 paid holidays, and untracked time off. From there, it’s about tailoring your culture to meet your people’s needs. For example, we respect local time zones. Our people work their 9-5, and we also have days where we’re not glued to our desks. These little things are simple but impactful.
[Picture of the Pennock team]
5. Where’s an excellent place to start for moms new to marketing and beauty?
Nikki: My advice is to throw your ego aside to build experience at any level to acquire the skills. You must be okay with constantly learning and being a newbie at any age. Dive into paid versus organic versus email. Find the people in the space you want to be in and ask them to coffee. Offer your help. Start small and scale up. People are more open now to people who do not have the perfect background, and they’re hiring people new to the industry. It’s all about the relationships and showing up well to calls. Ops managers are so good at training. Last but not least, avoid clients that want gotcha moments. If they question your price too soon, they’re not right.
6. How do you approach work/life balance?
Nikki: Decide if it’s a fire drill or not. For the first few years, I would not unplug. Now, I work 35-40 hours/week. Some of my supports include leaning on after-school programs, having a flexible partner, and splitting home responsibilities. My husband helps with camp schedules and picks up slack in other areas. Having a house next to in-laws also makes a huge difference!
7. What advice would you give moms looking to take risks and start something new?
Nikki: As a service provider, you must pick a lane to build a business. Last year, we started to niche harder. Don’t be everything to everyone. It is much easier to be a leader in a smaller space. Be a big fish in a small pond—so many mom entrepreneurs cast too wide a net. Find what you like and stick with it.
Final Thoughts: Being a Business Mom Is Good For Everyone
Research shows being a working mom has many benefits for our children: Sons of working moms spend 50 minutes more per week caring for family members than their counterparts. At the same time, daughters of employed women are 1.21 times more likely to have a job themselves.
So, if you’ve got a great idea bubbling under the surface, give it space to bloom. Yes, do the groundwork of learning your skills inside and out, but don’t be afraid to fail. With the right mindset and preparation, your valuable knowledge can help your business thrive!
5 Ways to Co-Develop Good Family Habits from Expert Jenna Hermans
Healthy habits are usually broken down into two buckets: mental and physical. Mental habits include screen time and how you interact with devices for well-being—for example, putting phones away during dinnertime or before bed so as not to disrupt sleep, which can also increase your presence with your kids and have other benefits. Physical health includes eating habits, physical movement, and drinking more water.
Developing good family habits allows parents to prioritize self-care to be a better version of themselves and show up for the people they love.
But making habits stick can be tricky. I turned to expert and Chaos to Calm author Jenna Hermans for help. Her book just won a Pubwest 2023 Design Award in the category of Health and Wellness and is also up for an award on Audible. I loved listening to it on a recent road trip with my kids!
Jenna also runs a fantastic organization with her husband called Be Courageous, which provides transformation and leadership consulting to companies worldwide. Some of the incredible habits she preaches in their program and her book are health and meal planning efficiencies, getting more physical activity and building that within your day, and finding more time to meditate.
I had her in the studio for a special episode of the MomShine podcast on remastering family habits for the new year. Here are her answers to my top questions on integrating healthier habits to be the best version of yourself!
How to develop a healthy family lifestyle and some examples to lean on
1) Make family habits pleasurable
Jenna: Some habits are more challenging to form than others. It would be straightforward to get into the habit of eating chocolate cake for breakfast every morning. That would take only a day or two; I call that a habit. I wouldn't have to force myself to do that. It would become instinctual.
“Challenging habits take longer to form because they aren’t instantly pleasurable.” |
But starting a new workout routine, putting my phone away before bed, and reading during the day, whether first thing in the morning or at night, are habits that take longer to form because they're more challenging. They're less instantly pleasurable. So, the more enjoyable the habit you're trying to create, the less time it takes to become a habit.
2) Use habit stacking to help family routines stay in place
Jenna: When wanting to create a new habit, you can use the foundations of a habit you already have in place. This process is called habit stacking. With habit stacking, you combine multiple habits back to back, stimulating each other. When you’re already in your cycle of that routine, it is easier to flow into the next habit. Like the idea that every time you have your coffee, you put collagen in it. When you have your French press or drip coffee, you also make sure to put your collagen peptides next to your coffee device. You are stacking those two things together or even adding another thing. What can you add to a routine where you're already in flow?
“Where can you add to a routine where you’re already in flow?” |
One habit stacking I started around two years ago was going to the grocery store after my daily workout at the gym. I made my grocery list the night before; then, after I was done at the gym, I’d go immediately to the grocery store and get what I needed. It sounds so simple, but it wasn’t a part of my usual routine, and I wasn’t in the habit of going to the grocery store regularly.
3) Breakdown big tasks into manageable chunks
Jenna: With laundry, I have found that depending on what we have going on that week, sometimes I'll stack all the laundry into one day. But typically, I'll parse it out throughout the week. I put a load in at night and do a delayed start setting so that it begins in the morning while we're all asleep. Then, before I leave the house in the morning to take the kids to school, I move that load into the dryer. So when I get home, there's a dry load ready to be folded and put away.
4) Be a role model for your kids
Jenna: There are a couple of things that I recommend when developing healthy family lifestyle habits. One is to be a role model. By doing the task or activity in a healthy or efficient way, you're setting an example for your children to relate to their tasks and lifestyle habits. Whatever they see you doing is what they are going to think is the norm of how they should be doing it when they're older, whether that's conscious or not.
“By doing it, you’re setting the example that this is a healthy relationship with the self.” |
Generally, it's unconscious, but our behaviors sink in and take root in our kids as they absorb it all. We must make the lifestyle choices we want our children to emulate as they get older. We have to walk or talk.
5) Let kids co-create habits and take the lead
Jenna: I've noticed that whenever the activity or task is child-led, they are much more involved and have ownership over whatever it is. When it came to chores with four children and two adults in the household, we noticed that there were always dirty dishes, rooms to tidy, garbage to take out, and more. As every parent knows, the cooking and cleaning is nonstop. So we sat down with the kids and said, ‘we are spending too much time on these things every day. We all have jobs: we work, and you go to school. But let’s work as a team to help each other more.’
“Let’s work as a team to help each other more.” |
It led our family to create a chore wheel that alternates every week. The kids decided on the chore cadence, the list of chores, and the grouping of chores per person per week. They also decided that every Sunday, we would turn the wheel so that no one was stuck doing the “worst” chores. One of my kids was super excited to make the chore wheel, and another decided they would be the ones to turn it in every Sunday.
If a kid was on trash duty that week, they were also responsible for feeding the cat. They could do the chore when it worked for them, or we would say, ‘Hey, trash is full. We need you to take it out.’ Or, ‘it's trash day on Wednesday. Make sure you take it out Tuesday night.’ That same week, someone else would be responsible for cleaning the dishes, loading and unloading the dishwasher, and so on.
Final Thoughts on Creating Healthier Family Habits
I’ve tried all sorts of things to encourage my kids to do their part and help build their autonomy and responsibility in our house, especially when a once-in-a-lifetime trip came up recently, which involved taking a week away. Consulting other moms on how they feel calmer and more structured in the home has helped me do the same.
The critical thing to remember is always to keep it fun and give them some control. Include them in conversations on how to divide and conquer. When things have stacked up at my home, or we plan on having people over, I create a chore bingo chart to see who can complete chore bingo for a special prize. When we shop, I encourage them to earn their own money through their family responsibilities and enjoy spending it now and again.
I also loved our episode featuring Jenna Hermans. Her advice on this comes around minute 15 when she discusses developing the best habits for the New Year. She’s a certified high-performance coach, entrepreneur, author of Chaos to Calm, wife, mama of 4, and co-founder of Be Courageous. You can learn more about her at jennahermans.com.
Everything You Need to Know About How Food Can Impact Kids’ Mood
Kids are driven by a keen sense of curiosity and wonderment, which power their continuous stream of relentless activity. It's no wonder that sometimes we can hardly muster the energy to keep up with it all. But did you know that if your kid is predominantly restless, anxious, or inattentive, these could be signs of something more serious?
The analysis of the Census Bureau’s Household Pulse Survey finds that half (50%) of adults ages 18-24 reported anxiety and depression symptoms in 2023, compared to about a third of adults overall. This study showed that young people are more likely than adults to be experiencing anxiety or depression symptoms. So what is going on? Why have behavioral problems skyrocketed in the last few years?
It could be a pandemic and the lack of social interaction that these kids needed, or is it all the devices that are constantly on their faces? As a sidebar, we discussed social media's impact on kids' psyche in this podcast episode — if you want further advice. However, according to a 2022 study published by Neuroscience News, food allergies may be linked to behavioral disorders. The research says that food allergens can affect your brain by causing inflammation involving the nervous system and manifest as behavioral disorders — even if you don't show the typical food allergy symptoms.
I interviewed Dr. Kumi Nakamoto Combs, Ph.D. and Assistant Professor of Biomedical Sciences at the University of North Dakota School of Medicine and Health Sciences, about this incredible information to see what parents can look for regarding foods causing silent inflammation. I noted seven things to look out for.
1) Physical symptoms that suggest the body is fighting an allergy
Well-known conditions caused by allergies are asthma, hay fever, stuffy nose, eczema or atopic dermatitis, and various intestinal issues. These allergies happen when your immune system works a little too hard to fight against something that's not supposed to be harmful.
When invaders like bacteria and viruses come into your body, your immune cells respond to them, and they try to get rid of them from your body. So you may have a fever or vomit or have diarrhea, but these are your body's efforts to kill or remove these invaders and are part of the natural defense against inflammation.
Unfortunately, some individuals have these inflammatory responses to things that they inhale, touch, or eat, and that's a more blatant sign of an allergy. However, these inflammations can sometimes be more challenging to detect when inflammation repeats or lasts for a long time and could cause many more problems.
2) The trends based on age and gender for allergy reactions
Kumi has done studies showing that some prolonged inflammation can affect brain mood and behavior due to hypersensitivities. The survey studies have found when specific allergies appear in mood changes and how long they last. Allergies to milk, eggs, and peanuts are often reported in children. Many children outgrow milk and egg allergies, but unfortunately, peanut allergy lasts much longer. Also, some people, especially females, develop new allergies, particularly seafood, when they age. Food allergies are more common in boys than girls at younger ages and more women than men in adult populations.
3) Foods that are classified to cause significant food allergies
The US Food and Drug Administration, or FDA, recognizes nine foods as significant food allergens we should watch for. Milk, eggs, fish, crustaceans, shellfish, tree nuts, peanuts, wheat, soybeans, and sesame. So, commercial food products that use these items must be labeled on their packages.
4) Try eliminating certain foods to see if your mood improves
Kumi noticed something interesting when she was reading a few clinical reports. Doctors described that their patients' moods and behaviors improved when they removed certain foods from their diets. Within these particular patients, they didn’t experience the signs one would look for when eating foods in suspicion. Still, to Kumi, this was a group to look into further since reactions wouldn’t happen immediately.
So, she developed a mouse model of milk allergy without severe symptoms. This model was a group of individuals who did not react severely. So, just mild symptoms and even no symptoms at all. She chose a milk allergy because it's common in children, but many become tolerant as they age. Some studies have also shown an association between milk allergy and behavioral changes. Interestingly, allergic mice eating food containing milk allergens did not exhibit any visible reactions but had increased immune cell activities, showing inflammatory mediators such as histamine, and other molecules called cytokines in their blood. They also have increased antibodies against milk, proteins that can attack the milk proteins that get into your system, and they have signs of inflammation and damage in the brain.
5) Understand what settle inflammations can cause in the body
Cytokines are biological molecules or proteins released by immune cells and immune cells when they come into contact with a specific environment, such as an encounter with invaders or foreign invaders like pathogens, bacteria, parasites, and viruses. They can become activated, and it starts to release proteins. These proteins act as signaling molecules and can float around in a nearby environment or travel through the body in blood circulation. It can be a contributor to neurodegenerative diseases such as multiple sclerosis and Alzheimer’s disease especially.
Chronic inflammation is thought to be the common denominator in these neurodegenerative diseases due to decreased myelin in the brain. Myelin is the coating of neuronal fibers that can maximize their signaling ability, and it's reduced in neurological diseases and was seen to decrease in mice experiencing silent reactions impacting the brain. The best example of such a disease is multiple sclerosis. Still, at this point, they don't know the exact connection between what was seen in the allergic mice regarding their milk allergy and multiple sclerosis in human patients.
6) Consider a food journal if you notice signs of behavioral issues in you or your kid
These findings are correlations, and it's hard to say that food can cause behavioral manifestations. Still, for parents who see their children struggling with their emotions or acting up after eating certain foods, these findings could be an excellent reason to avoid certain foods to see if their mood and behavior improve. The only way to do that is through a food journal and to see if specific issues you notice slowly disappear.
The findings Kumi found was that when the mildly allergic mice were given foods with mild reactions, they instead experienced anxiety and depression-like behavior. There was also a decline in cognitive function, like short-term memory loss. If your child or even you experience unexplained anxiousness, depressive mood, or so-called brain fog — you may want to review what you've been eating. It could be as simple as making an alternate food choice.
7) Trust your observations
Like our kids and activities episodes, parents are responsible for being general contractors and at the helm of their kids' health. Part of this is trusting your observations. You've watched your kid longer than anyone and know what your child's normal looks like. You can ask your child's doctor about any suspicion you notice. Still, unfortunately, not everyone will be receptive to the idea since the research on these inflammations in the body is still very early. Trust your observation instinct as a parent. It’s a constant juggle of benefits to your child versus risk. If you choose to eliminate some foods, ensure they are receiving those particular nutrients in another safe way. But with the uptick in anxiety and depression in kids, it could be another angle worth exploring before jumping to other means.
Final Learnings on What to Watch Out for Regarding Kids’ Mood and Food
Testing for a week and consulting a doctor on your learnings to any hypersensitivities is a great place to start. Keep a food diary and be aware of any changes to overall health. It’s also great to get a dietician involved. I’m constantly looking for ways to change it up, not lean too heavily on processed foods, and ensure our family gets healthy foods to maintain energy and activity levels.
Check out the full episode 102 on Food Is Mood, or share your learnings with Kumi at the University of North Dakota School of Medicine and Health Sciences. She’s received so many supportive emails from people who suspected or even identified a food that could be a culprit in their child’s mood. So, if you pay closer attention to what your child eats, you may also be able to find the solution you are looking for. And, of course, not all mood and behavior problems are caused by the diet, but at least it's worth keeping in mind.
Breaking Down My Favorite Family Mantra and When to Use It
In a new University of Michigan survey of 2,044 parents who have kids under 18, 47% want to be more consistent with discipline and put solid boundaries and limits in place — giving children a roadmap for their behavior and our expectations. But what is the right approach in developing firm boundaries that will stick? How do we know we're saying the right things? I found an expert with a mantra to help in Polly Ely, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Parent School.
Let’s break down her simple mantra that can transform chaos to calm and end sibling rivalry in your house.
You can be mad, but you can’t be mean.
Where does the mantra “You Can Be Mad, But You Can’t Be Mean” come from?
The phrase originally came from Ellen Dodge, social-emotional education pioneer and founder of Kimochis (the toy line with feelings inside). This mantra helps to establish boundaries and hold them. It’s all about teaching kids that you can feel anything you want without letting anyone become a target of those feelings. Meanness can’t be the next step, and lashing out is never the next step when you're mad. It is the beginning of understanding boundaries when big emotions show up.
5 Reasons Why This Family Mantra Works So Well
1. This family mantra is bidirectional
It works in two directions to help de-escalate conflict by showing kids that we are all playing by similar rules (parents and kids alike). This starkly contrasts homes like many of us were raised in, where rules are one-directional, e.g., parents set rules, and kids are expected to get in line.
2. A family mantra can provide a framework to teach sibling revelry instead of rivalry.
Instead of playing judge and jury, it helps everyone back up and understand their part in the mess. As a parent, you can help each kid figure out their piece in the action individually. Then, with their sibling, help them try and figure out what their part of the mess was and how they can work on that together. It’s an excellent place to help kids understand when they are getting mean to take that time out. To breathe, set a boundary with their sibling, and own their part in whatever happened. This helps to teach accountability, which can benefit every child in practicing again and again and again.
A straightforward question when they make a mistake is to say — what would you do differently next time? Suppose you can create a culture where they're constantly repairing with each other. In that case, they're continually rewriting, and then they ultimately get into a place of expressing their feelings to each other; it can make a big difference.
3. This family mantra helps kids identify their triggers
Usually, when there is a big reaction, something is happening underneath. Assisting kids in acknowledging that and seeing their feelings for what they are can allow them to dissipate. Remind yourself there's nothing to do here except to get your kid to move that feeling through their body so they can heal themselves.
4. A family mantra helps to process and deal with your resentments
There is a tremendous amount of unconscious grief that goes on inside of every parent, whether they've just left the workplace and are now working at home or they just lost the freedom they had to do their days as they wish. So many parents need to process how much grief is underneath the anger that they feel —grief around the loss of their freedom. And that is taboo for a lot of people to talk about. But it lives inside of every one of us.
The mantra reminds us to make space to feel and process that grief, whether with friends, our partners, or in therapy. Honoring that parenthood is an entirely different way of being is an important thing to do. Otherwise, the resentment builds and leads to anger. And nobody wants to walk around feeling compressed, irritable, and sharp all the time! Parents deserve self-compassion when these feelings arise.
5. Being kind and calm can be contagious
Humans are absorbent beings. Once somebody gets within five to 10 feet of our energy field, they're absorbing it, breathing our air, and being affected by and changed by us. So know yourself. Is it a day you are on edge and feeling more connected to the clock than the people in front of you? Unless you pick a different approach, connection can and will get missed. Pick one thing to get done in a day instead of 50. And if it is one thing like going to a hardware or grocery store, try to make it fun for your kids, too.
Conclusion: This Family Mantra Can Be the Segway to Healthy Boundary Work
Boundary work comes full circle. Getting to the root of the issue and creating a framework of social justice where everyone is accountable for their feelings can go a long way. This mantra stood out to me at Polly’s Parent School, which is now all online, including virtual sessions and Q&A that you can participate in. Check out my other post about what to do when your kids try to flip the hierarchy in your house for more tools that can help.
5 Takeaways From a Dr. Becky Parenting Event
I scrambled to get a ticket when I discovered Dr. Becky was coming to the Bay Area to host an intimate night at the Sweetwater. There was a waitlist of over 100 parents trying to get in, so as we approached the days before, I had lost hope a bit. But sure enough — the day before an event, an extra ticket popped up, and I couldn’t wait to see her live in her interview with Brit Morin, the Founder of Brit & Co. and co-founder and managing partner of Offline Ventures.
It was the perfect Monday night treat to get a nice dose of good examples to lean on for my parenting toolbox, and I had to share with others, knowing how hard it was to attend.
Dr. Becky Parenting Tips From Her Special Workshop
1) Dr. Becky teaches the importance of prioritizing teaching resilience.
One overarching takeaway may seem obvious, but her examples stuck with me in teaching kids to be more resilient. She used a bench analogy to explain this. We want kids to feel their feelings and trust them to make good decisions, so here’s how it works.
When a kid comes to you with a feeling, you validate what they are feeling and say:
- “I’m so glad you came to me.” In the bench analogy, you are now sitting on the bench next to them and their feelings.
- “I believe you.” This helps kids have more self-trust that their feelings are valid.
- “Tell me more.” In the analogy, you are next to them, but their bench warmer, helping them feel less alone.
Often, kids cannot be resilient because they feel alone and their feelings are disjointed from their belief to repress them or feel something different. The above statements place you firmly with them to guide them to believe what they are feeling and be better able to handle anything that comes their way through the ability to process big feelings as they come.
As a side note, there is such a thing as deeply feeling kids that will reject you on the bench with them. They need time to process, and hand signals can often be effective to try a “side door approach” at a later time.
2) Dr. Becky suggests exposing kids to things that aren’t always comfortable.
We often try to protect our kids from the uncomfortable, but it’s our job to help them handle their frustration and expose them more to uncomfortable situations. This can be the most challenging but most impactful thing we teach them. As you coach kids through their frustrations, you are helping them practice their skills for every situation that might come up. So, if you aren’t exposing them to enough obstacles, you are doing them a disservice.
The #1 thing Dr. Becky said that parents come to her for is not wanting an “entitled kid.” But she says that she believes these kids who end up seeming in this bucket can’t process frustration correctly. An example she talked through was one 16-year-old’s explosion around a kid not getting to travel in first class. A quick backtrack with his family showed that the child wasn’t exposed to enough frustration because the parents worked hard to ensure they bought more accessible paths for him instead. Not winding up too entitled could be seen as a measure of how well your kid can tolerate frustration. Kids are a product of their environment, so ensure their frustration is built in with pleasurable moments. Those moments and how they handle them matter far more.
3) Dr. Becky reminds us that sibling dynamics boil down to inherent threats.
Kids need attachment to us to survive. That’s inherent from the moment they are born. This is why even a compliment to one sibling can threaten another child. It inhibits their connection or attachment and can be seen as a threat. The best parenting technique to resolve this is one-on-one time without the phone and ensuring each sibling is secure in their connection with you. Normalizing jealousy and frustration is also a great strategy.
4) Dr. Becky empowers you to lead your home around screen time.
The more I cover and hear about screen time, the more I yearn for simpler days when we didn’t have them. Dr. Becky affirmed that no one feels good about screen time either. We need more guides around them. Her analogy here was around parents feeling like the leader of their home and modeling screen time or, better yet, acting as the plane's pilot. If a pilot looked at the data and found that changing their course would lead to a safer landing, would you question it? If the pilot took in your input as a passenger when they had already looked at the data separately, they wouldn’t entirely be a fearless leader of the plane, would they?
Our job is to make good decisions and prioritize our kids’ safety, even if they protest. The US Surgeon General has issued warnings that kids are experiencing a mental health crisis and that social media is to blame. Period. Show your kids how much you love them by setting guidelines to protect them. Don’t allow them to charge their device in their room, and get a contract in place to keep everyone on the same page. I recently learned of this great company, Aro, that can help. They believe “if you change the relationship with your phone, you change the relationship with everyone around you.”
The MomShine Family-friendly Device Agreement can help, too; it is customizable and FREE for download.
5) Dr. Becky's last parenting tip is to have weekly check-ins with your children.
She closed the event, reminding all parents that she’s never met one that is perfect. It doesn’t exist, and remind yourself of that. Repair has the most relational impact on kids and helps them feel less alone after traumatic events.
It’s not the trauma itself that is the issue. It’s the aloneness they feel if it’s not repaired well after. Adam Grant has a great saying around this: “I’m going to crush my second score.” He noted that in psychology, they often talk about this as being the best way to take in any criticism so you don’t feel discouraged or unmotivated.
And when in doubt, host a check-in with your kid. Ask them one thing you could do differently to be a better parent. Come curious and willing to take in their feedback as well.
If you want more advice on being a more conscious parent, check out the latest episode with Katherine Sellery, Founder of the Conscious Parenting Revolution.